10 Years

On this day 10 years ago, my life changed forever.  I was sitting in the basement of the house I worked in, rocking Destiny to sleep.  See, I was the nanny for triplet infants.  They were 5 months at the time.  The guy I was dating (who just happened to be the triplets uncle) walked around the corner and I could tell he'd been crying.

"Papa?" I asked.

He just nodded.

He couldn't speak.

Neither could I.

The rest is kind of a fog.

I remember getting up and hugging him.  We walked upstairs and my boss, the triplets mom, gave me a hug, said "take as much time as you need."

As she walked us out to the car she nudged me.  At that point I realized I was still holding Destiny.  I handed her over and said, "take good care of them."  Which seems silly now...telling a mom to take good care of her kids...but at the time it made total sense to me.

As boyfriend drove us home I thought of all the things I needed to do...call my professors and tell them I wouldn't be in school the next few days.  It was a Tuesday.  I remember that.

I talked to Mom and Papa on the phone Monday nights.  The previous night Papa hadn't been up for talking much.  I had just been home the previous weekend.  Mom had called that Friday I think and said to come home.  I flew home and spent the weekend showing Papa all I had learned so far in baking school.  I decorated a cake with every flower and every design I'd managed to master in the first two weeks of school.  As I left Sunday afternoon, I asked Papa if I should stay.  He said "I don't want to see your face until next weekend-you need to get back to school!"  I called again when I was at the airport, "Are you sure I should leave?" I asked through tears.  "Go, I'm fine.  I love you sweetheart." Papa responded.

I went.  And two days later Papa passed.

He was at home, with Mom and Ali.  Oh, and Shauman, the family dog.

As boyfriend and I drove the 5 hours to Mom and Papa's house I made the calls I needed to make, sat in shock, cried, and said ridiculous things like, "If Papa knew, he would just die!" Then cry again because Papa had in fact died.

Mom asked if I wanted to see him before the funeral director came to get him.  I said "no."  I had a good last memory of Papa and I didn't want that replaced.

Boyfriend and I arrived pretty late at night to a house that no longer seemed like the one I knew and loved.  It was cold, still and felt empty.

Papa was the biggest personality in our house, and that's saying something.

Home hasn't felt like home in 10 years.  When I go visit my mom, I still listen for the sound of slippers shuffling along the wood floor on the way to the kitchen.  I miss the sound of crushed ice hitting the sides of his thin plastic red cup.  The single cough that broke the silence every few minutes is no longer heard.

Skinny ankels emerging from elastic banded sweatpants.  A farmer's tan that never faded.  Newspapers neatly stacked in the recycle basket.  A pimped out minivan in the driveway.  One of everything ever made, and two of some taking up the garage.  A sic-fi/fantasy book collection that rivals some bookstore's. A beard that could resemble Kenny Rogers, Santa Calus or Jerry Garcia.  A smile that showed life had been simultaneously full of heartache and joy.  Love that goes to the moon and back for the three of us kids.  A rough exterior hiding a gentle and loving heart, hurt too many times to count.  Desire to protect loved ones from anything and everything no matter the cost.  

Papa was not perfect.  He told me regularly that he didn't want me to end up like him.  Some apples don't fall far from the tree...I'm the one the tree couldn't shake.  He knew I was in for a tough life if I followed in his path as I was set to do...but that's a different story...

The days that followed Papa's death were agonizing.  As we sat to write the obituary, the phone rang and the caller asked for Papa.  I broke down and handed the phone to Mom.  This was going to be hard.

And it's still hard 10 years later.  Some people say time heals all wounds.  I disagree.  When you love someone deeply and unconditionally, all the time in the world won't erase the pain of that loss.

Today, I'll eat cake.  I'll cry a little.  And reminisce a lot.  I can't believe its been 10 years already, though somedays it feels like 100.