Food & God (Part 1)

Its no secret that I love food.  I'm not one of those "eat to live" people.  I'm more of the "live to eat" variety.  Though I've always been active and maintained a healthy weight, I've struggled with food for years.

When I was in high school Papa thought I was anorexic.   I was not.  I've never starved myself, trust me-I can hardly make it if I miss a snack.  If I've had any sort of eating disorder, it'd be compulsive overeating.  Most people don't believe me because I'm not overweight, but those who are close to me know that I often cannot control myself and binge eat.

I've been trying to get a handle on it for the past few years and at times have been successful.  Most times, I can even stay in my calorie range but the calories are sometimes made up of handfuls of chocolate covered almonds, or a bag of chips.  Sure, I love the taste and texture of chocolate covered almonds but I'm not downing them because of that.  I find some sort of fulfillment and satisfaction in eating them that I simply don't find in eating something healthier.

Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat,for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty,
    and slumber will clothe them with rags.
Proverbs 23: 20-21

For years I never had to worry about calorie count or food consumption, I was blessed with a high metabolism and have always been extremely active.  At 32, I'm at a healthy weight.  When I graduated high school I was the same height I am now and weighed almost 40 pounds less.  Sure, I was incredibly skinny and hadn't finished developing my womanly curves, but 40 pounds is not a small amount.

As I entered my mid-late 20's, I noticed that I'd gain a few pounds after a holiday weekend, or a birthday party.  I wasn't able to drop the weight in the week that followed as I'd always been able to.  When life started getting heavy, I turned to food for comfort more than ever, and it just so happened that my metabolism was slowing down.  I became consumed with fear that I'd soon become overweight so I started exercising more.  I tried to eat healthy foods and control my portion size.

I'd be able to keep up a healthy routine for a bit then the wheels would fall off.  I'd have a stressful day, my feelings would get hurt, or I'd just give in to my monthly cravings.  A bag of Doritos, or a carton of Ben & Jerry's later I was left feeling like a failure and ashamed.  Nobody listened when I said I was feeling fat because even if I gained a few, I was still at a "healthy" weight.  "Give yourself a break Linsey" they'd say..."it's ok to indulge every once in a while."

Well...I'm a black and white person.  All or nothing.  "Once in a while" isn't in my vocabulary.  I either do it ALL THE TIME of NOT AT ALL.  Most things that cause problems in life can be handled in this manner...if you're an alcoholic, you completely give up drinking.  When you realize you are addicted to nicotine, you stop smoking.  People praise you for your bold and courageous steps.  Hold your hand through the hard times and celebrate your success.

Since turning my life over to Christ, I've cut certain things out of my life.  Not because God told me to. But out of the love I have for Him, I desired to change my life to be more pleasing to Him.  To remove things that were preventing me from fully walking with Him.

For example...there is a guy who causes me to stumble.  When we are together we talk for hours but were never able to stop there.  We'd end up making out and I knew it wasn't going anywhere because 1) He doesn't love Jesus and 2) there is no 2... #1 is enough to kick someone to the curb in my book.

So...this guy and I would make out then I'd feel like crap because I knew that's not what I should be doing.  I knew that what I truly wanted was a husband, a strong Christian man who would be the spiritual leader of my family.  And making out with this guy wasn't going to help me get there.  My heart would be a mess because my God made me a relational person-I wasn't designed to have casual physical encounters with people.  I was designed to make an emotional connection with the person.  That's God's design, and time and time again I tried to fight it, to ignore it, to pretend I was some sort of cool, casual go-with-the-flow person who could handle making out with someone and be ok with not being in their actual life.

So...what does this have to do with food and my unhealthy relationship with it?  Easy, two things actually...Check bad Friday for the rest of this discussion.