Silver Lining

Man, it's been a heavy few days.  On Monday I found out my family dentist of over 20 years was trapped in an avalanche on Saturday and is yet to be found.

Then, Monday afternoon, the Boston Marathon bombings.

What is this world coming to?  What is wrong with people?

My grief was compounded.  First, a man who was so much more than just a dentist, is most likely dead.  Second, some idiots bring terror and horror to what, for many runners, is the apex of their running career.

It shook me in a few ways.

First, the potential loss of someone dear to my family reopened wounds of my own father's death almost 11 years ago.  Without knowing it, I've lulled myself into a false sense of security, dependent on a few people, critical in the lives of me in my family immediately following the death of my dad.

Mitch Hungate stepped in and took my little brother (in high school at the time) under his wing.  They went hiking, took the boats out, spent time together man and boy, which was just what my brother needed.  My dad was sick or injured most of Josh's life which made the normal father-son relationship very difficult.  Mitch stepped in and put in time, logged hours and was someone Josh knew he could count on, turn to, and just simply be with.

Another man dear to me is Larry.  Larry has been part of our family since Josh was a baby.  His middle daughter was a student in my mom's class which led to his wife being Josh's babysitter and so much more.  Larry spent hours upon hours with my dad near the end.  Sitting and talking, sharing the love of Christ with my stubborn father.  Larry, at Papa's request, officiated his memorial service and a few years later, also married my mom and her new husband Kurt.  Papa trusted Larry with us when he passed and I know if I am ever in need, Larry will be there.  And if God ever blesses me with a husband, Larry will be the one who marries me off.

The potential loss of these men never occurred to me until Monday morning.  I hadn't realized that I had comforted myself by knowing these men who love my family are out there, somewhere, and if we ever needed, we could reach out and they wouldn't hesitate to be there.  A small part of me feels foolish for allowing the void my father left to be partially filled by other men who stepped up in the days and weeks of our deepest sorrow and anguish.

Part of me thinks its natural to comfort yourself with anything possible.  But I guess what is most surprising to me, is that I never realized I did it.  Until now.  Until it's maybe too late to let one of them know how much he meant to me.  But it's given me reason to reach out to the other.

Trying not to be swept up in grief that was added to by the news of the Boston bombings Monday afternoon, I was starting to detach and become numb.  Push it to the back of my mind and try not to think on it.

Wait.  That's what I would do.  Wait out this dark cloud.  Fast forward to the end...to see how it all turned out.  Not feel anything in the meantime, but put those emotions on pause and wait until the (hopefully) happy ending to start feeling again.

Then, God smacked me in the head.  But a good smack.  A smack that says, "Girl!  Wake up!  I am in control and there is Good all around you!  Are you looking for it?!"

I wasn't.  So He shoved it in my face...read on peeps...read on...

A few months ago, I posted this blog about waiting and how everyone is waiting for something.  Then I posted this blog about how a lot of the prayers of my friends had been answered...those same friends who were waiting just weeks before, were now celebrating God's goodness.

Well, one of those stories of waiting goes a little like this:

Trying.  Praying. Trying. Trying.  Waiting. Hoping.  Waiting. Praying.  Change of plan.  Waiting.  Hoping.  Praying.  Waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.  Answered Prayer?  Set back.  Disappointment.  Heart break.  Praying. Giving up. Praying. Changing mind.  Renewed Hope. Praying. Waiting.  Hoping.  Praying.  Answered Prayer!  Celebrate God's gifts, rejoice in God's Goodness! And now, just a few months after that answered prayer, another blessing is on the way!

It doesn't matter the details.  What matters is that the praying never stopped.  Even in the darkest moments when the grief was just too much to bear, there was faith and hope in a God that is Good.  All the time.  Sure, things don't always look exactly as we think they will, but even when we can't see it, God is working, setting things in motion, preparing our hearts and minds for what is to come and in His perfect timing His gifts will overwhelm even your wildest dreams.

Through someone I love, God has shown me that even when grief seems overwhelming, and things seem to be piling up, you don't have to look very far to see blessings, gifts, and His work.  Life is never "all bad" there is always good to be found.  It's as simple as looking to Him.  There is always a silver lining.  His name is Jesus.

Always...

At church this weekend, we sang this song and it hit me hard.  These lyrics: 

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength, always

I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always

I walked into church Sunday morning thinking about this waiting game...not knowing if what I desire most will ever come to pass...seeing everyone around me get the things I want, the things I've prayed for, waited for--good things, God honoring things...then, this song, these lyrics remind me that God will not delay, He's not withholding anything from me but rather, He's preparing me for what is to come.  He won't keep me in this place one second beyond what is most glorifying to Him.  He is my strength during the waiting, the praying, the crying out for what it is my heart aches for.  His promises are true, yesterday, today and tomorrow--He doesn't go back on His word, He delivers.  Every time.  Without fail. 

Trouble surrounds me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way, my help is on the way 

When I stop fighting the current and surrender to His will, His timing, my soul will find rest.  I need not fear what is to come, what might not ever come...whatever it is (or isn't) He'll be there, arms open wide, to comfort me, to give me rest, to rescue me...even if it's from myself.  My God doesn't ever walk away.  I might on occasion take a few angry, frustrated, spoiled-brat steps in the opposite direction, but He never does, He's looking to help me, to shelter me, to love me--no matter how many times I throw a tantrum.  

I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord

Keeping my eyes on Him will help me see what His purpose is for me...and will keep my eyes off the disappointment of things not going my way.  The sadness, anger, jealousy, loneliness that comes when everyone you love seems to be swimming in answered prayers.  It's not because God forgot about me, it's simply because He has a different plan for me, one He'll prepare me for and help me to navigate...when you're eyes are fixed on God, you don't notice the choppy waves daring you to doubt Christ's power, causing you to sink and call out...but that's a different song...but man, I do love Peter. 

Choosing Joy

Remember all those posts about hating the waiting process and how grumpy I have been lately?

Well, I'm feeling the attitude change I've been needing.

Recently, God has answered prayers in several of my friends lives.  Some of them I mentioned in this post...and here we are just a few weeks later and God has moved.  He's stopped the waiting, answered prayers, given gifts, shown His love, and given the desires of hearts.

Sure, I could sit here and be all fussy that their prayers were answered and mine hasn't been.  But instead, I'm sitting here, tears of JOY running down my face, because my friends are happy and my God is GOOD.  Faithful.  Gracious.  Loving.

I know that God doesn't just work in other people's lives, but He works in mine too.  And if He is answering their prayers, I know mine will someday be answered too.

This time of waiting is temporary.  I know that the friends and family who are still waiting will see God working in their lives, feel His presence and witness first-hand His ability to provide us with the desires of our heart.

I've determined that I can choose to be mad that I don't have what I want, or I can choose joy, as God provides all I need.

A husband isn't God's way of saying, "Good job Linsey!  Because you are so amazing, your prize is a husband!"  A husband is God's way of saying, "Linsey, you will better serve me with this person by your side.  I need to place this person in your life to continue to refine you."

When I think about it that way...maybe I'm ok waiting :)

Happily Ever After

Another trip down memory lane from a past blog.  This one was a great reminder today as I am still struggling with the images of the life I planned for myself.  A piggy back to this post from a few weeks ago about what makes me think I know what a beautiful story looks like...

This post is from February 24. 2010...

As a little girl I was read stories that began, "Once upon a time..." and ended "And they lived happily ever after."

The middle wasn't of any consequence.  All I was waiting for was the part where Prince Charming kissed the princess and they lived happily ever after.  Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel...and thanks to Disney we have, Belle, Ariel, Jasmine, and so many more.

I sometimes get frustrated, feel like a failure because I'm approaching 30 (!!!) and am still looking for my Prince Charming and my happily ever after.  My older sister married her high school sweet heart.  If you know anything about older sisters (mine in particular) it's that they are perfect (at least in the eyes of the little sister) so when I compare my life to hers, I'm left shaking my head and wondering where I went off course.

Was it when I moved to Denver for AmeriCorps instead of getting a Bachelor's degree?  Or when I decided to become a pastry chef instead of something more noble, like being a teacher?  Maybe when I fell in love with all the wrong guys?

I've always wanted the cookie cutter life...go to college, get married, have kids.  Don't you know my plan was to have 4 kids before my 30th birthday, as well as a loving husband, a nice house, 2 cars and a picket fence?  I mean, it's not like I was actually expecting a castle!

I'm failing miserably at that.  But...I'm not actually a failure-and that's what I have to remind myself of.

God chose one path for my sister, and another path for me.  I'm right where God wants me.  I need to remember that I'm only a failure when I compare myself to the plan I made when I was still listening to all those fairy tales.  How can I possibly be a failure when I'm being obedient and constantly seeking Him?

It doesn't matter if we ever fulfill the plan we have for ourselves.  That's not what this life is about.  Are we obedient?  Do we live each moment to glorify Him?  Is it about His glory and not our own?  Are we true to Him even if it goes against every plan we ever had in place?

It's not really about finding Prince Charming and living happily ever after in this life...I'll have my happily ever after with Him when this life is over.

Images courtesy of weheartit

It's My Blog And I'll...

On a day meant for thankfulness, I sure didn't feel as thankful as I had hoped.

I don't think I've ever cried more tears on Thanksgiving than I did yesterday.

Tears of sadness.  Of not having anyone to share the holiday with.  Of wanting to be with family then more tears that family isn't fitting my ideal "Leave it to Beaver" perfection at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I started out the day with a great run with Hannah, and a wonderful meal with lots of friends in the evening, followed by football on tv and silly conversation.  The befores and afters really got to me though.

Sitting in an empty house for hours on end waiting for the clock to reach the appropriate time to arrive for dinner.  Coming home to the same empty house after feeding cats at someone else's empty house.  Having too many phone conversations with family end in tears this week.

Wondering when God is going to see fit to change something in my life so I'm not writing this same blogpost next year.

I've always hated fall and winter.  I've seen it as a time of death...everything once green and lush is turing dry, brown and brittle.  But maybe this year I'll approach the seasons with the attitude that this chapter of my life is ending and something even better is around the corner.

What it is?

I have no idea.  And the truth is, I don't really care.  I just pray that God changes something in my life, anything really...I'd move...somewhere else in the city, another place in the country or anywhere around the world, change jobs, find a new passion/hobby, meet someone (gasp...lets be praying extra for this option) or who knows what else God might do...I just pray it happens soon.

Sorry to end the week on a melancholy note...but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.



Ps.  Please don't be worried about me, or my mental/emotional health.  I write what I'm feeling but I'm not in some deep dark depression or anything like that.  This is a glimpse into my mind and heart at this moment in time.  The next moment might bring something very different.

Who Are You To Say What A Beautiful Story Looks Like?

It's no surprise that I struggle with waiting.  More than a few posts have been dedicated to that topic already.  I also don't like not getting my way, or feeling wronged.  I often feel like God owes me a good husband because I'm jumping through all those hoops I previously said don't exist.  All I really want is a beautiful love story of my own.  I have friends with epic stories in far off places, and others with sweet, simple romantic stories.  I keep waiting for mine.  The story I'll tell my kids and grandkids.  The one my friends will gather round to hear as I show off my sparkly new ring.  I long for that story to start.  I trick myself into believing that as soon as I know that story I'll worry less and be able to relax and enjoy all God has for me.  Again, I know that's not true...as soon as my perfect love story is written, I'll start wondering about the next story.  The baby story.  It'll never end.  There will always be another story I'll want written, and written my way.

Last year I joined a women's Bible study at church.  The woman who led it at the time was a tiny little pretty thing full of energy, love and the desire to connect with women and girls.  I didn't fully know her story until after she moved from Chicago but let me tell you--she is an amazing woman of God.  She hasn't been a stranger to trials and yet has constantly looked for ways to glorify God in the process.  

Today, is the day her miracle baby will be born, via c-section.

Click here to read her blogpost from yesterday.

Though my life and hers are at very different points, her sentiments resonate with me to the core.  How many times do I try to tell God that I deserve something after all I've been through.  Who am I to tell God what my perfect, beautiful love-story looks like?

Happy birthday Olivia, congratulations Michelle and Jared!

Join the Club...

I am super impatient.  I hate waiting.  I will take a longer route somewhere if it means I can keep moving instead of being stuck in traffic.  I don't even care if it gets me there a few minutes later, I just can't handle sitting and waiting for the person in front of me to move 2 inches at a time.

It's no surprise that I'm waiting, have been waiting for quiet a long time.  Waiting for God to bring my husband into my life so I can live my dream to be a wife and mother.  I sometimes look at my married friends and think "oh, your life is so great because you aren't waiting for your spouse anymore."

I forget that everyone is waiting for something.  I've had some conversations with quite a few amazing women this past week and they have shown me that though God made me special and there is nobody else out there just like me, my situation is not unique in the slightest.

There are many women I know and love waiting for God to bless them with a baby, whether it be biological or through adoption.  They wait just as I do.  Feeling the pain of everyday that passes without seeing the answer to their prayers.  Some have been waiting for years, others are just starting the waiting process, but each one struggles to understand why God hasn't blessed them with this seemingly God-honoring request.

Other friends are waiting on a job.  Waiting to hear if their career will finally move in the direction they've been hoping and praying for.

All of us are waiting on something.  It's hard not being able to make plans or decisions easily, hoping circumstances will change before the "future" arrives.  Seeking God constantly on why He has us in this place when our heart so desires something more.

While I wait for something they already have, I sometimes think these women should stop complaining because they have the thing I want...couldn't they be happy with that?  But I know that's not how it works, this feels like the hardest thing to wait for, but when I'm married and waiting on a child to come into my life, that then will be the hardest thing...

Waiting is never easy.  It doesn't matter if it's watching the clock to punch out for the day, praying for healing from an illness, looking around every corner for "Mr. Right," continually going to interviews hoping this might be the right fit, or feeling the spot in your heart that will only be filled by a child you can call your own.  We may be waiting for different things, but we're all in this together, and we aren't in it alone.

God promises His plans are good.  Good, as in His version of good, not our sinful, human version of good.  He asks us to wait now, and it might not look exactly like we think, but the pay off later is always worth it.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11