Advice, Freely Given

Several girls/women have asked me lately about guy stuff.  Ya know, the usual, "this is what happened...does he like me?"  Uh....yeah...I dunno!

Actually, that's not what I tell them.  What I say is exactly what I tell myself when I start to play the "overanalyze-and-read-into-everything-he-says-and-does-and-every-little-look-he-might-have-thrown-my-way" game.

I say this:  If a man is truly interested in pursuing you, he'll be intentional.  Nothing you say or don't say will dissuade him.  He'll let you know that he is interested and he'll be intentional about it.  Until that time...business as usual.

There were too many years of my life spent chasing men.  Trying to figure out how to make them notice me, ask me out, etc.  Eventually I realized that it was never enough and way too much all at the same time.  Too much of me and not enough of HIM.

When I looked back after dating several men who I thought I would marry, I noticed that I had pursued them all.  Well, to be more accurate, I had persuaded them to pursue me.  Then I questioned...did they really like me or was it just easier to be with me than to tell me no?  Would they have intentionally pursued me if I hadn't forced encouraged them into it?  Lets not mince words here people, I think I could have saved myself a TON of heartache if I'd waited...let them decide if they wanted to be with me, instead of convincing them they did.

Insecurity sets in.  Has anyone ever really loved me?  Ok, that's a little dramatic...I know that at least the majority of the guys who said they loved me actually did.  But that doesn't change the fact that I, in most cases, was the instigator of the relationships.

I'm not telling young women to play hard to get.  I'm telling young women, women of all ages for that matter, to go about their lives.  Do life as God is calling you.  Interact with the single men that come along as you would anyone else.  Don't fall all over yourself to get noticed, don't go out of your way to "bump" into him.  Stop spending hours upon hours of your day trying to figure out exactly what he meant when he said "see ya later" or asked how you're doing or wondering what you did wrong because you haven't heard from him in a few days.  Just quit it!  If he is into you, he'll step up and make a move.  He either likes you, or he doesn't..no amount of trying to decipher "man speak" or choreographing every possible encounter/ conversation/ response/ outcome will help.  He'll let you know that he wants to pursue you INTENTIONALLY.  Not casually.  Not sporadically.  Not in a way that's confusing or mystifying.  And if he doesn't...it's a good thing I just told you not to wait around because I've just saved you a bunch of wasted time!

It's so freeing to give it over to God.  To stop manipulating situations in hopes that you'll get the desired outcome and getting so frustrated when you don't.  I've never felt more free, just going about my life, living as God has called me and knowing that if HE has someone for me, I won't can't possibly miss it.

Whether he's a shy guy or Mr. Outgoing, he'll let you know, one way or another that he's into you.  Promise.

I'll be the first one to tell you it's easier said than done.  I continually have to remind myself not to try and figure out the best way to subtly flirt or wonder if he's really as cute/smart/funny/adorable as I think he is.  My besties will tell you that I reach out to them for prayer--for continued strength to keep my hands out of it and to allow God to be in control of the situation, to sit back and wait.  Prayers for wisdom in handling my interactions with him and not reading things into the situation that aren't really there.  Prayers that God will smack us both upside the head if we are meant to be together.  To not let the idea of something consume me when there is nothing there...yet.

At the end of the day, I'm happy being right where I'm at.  I've been in a lot, and I mean A LOT, of unhealthy relationships.  Ones that I didn't bother to consult with God on before jumping in feet first.  Relationships that I might have just manufactured into life when it would have been better to just stay friends/coworkers/strangers.  I'm not 100% certain God has a husband out there for me, but if HE does, I know HE won't let me walk right by him because my eyes are looking up and not around.

*Note, I'm saying "man" because there is a difference between men and boys...boys...we don't got time for that.

Cyber-bullying: Two Tales

I'm not doing Pinterest Thursday today.  I ran across something that needs my attention.

Remember awhile back that Greenbay Packers cheerleader that was the target of rude remarks from a supposed Chicago Bears fans?  Remember how we all got riled up.  Called it cyber-bullying, couldn't believe anyone, let alone several people, would go as far as attacking someone's looks?  It gained national attention...click the links to see the story on:

ABC News
Yahoo! Sports
USA Today
Fox News

And watch her video here:

Outrage.  How could anyone call this young woman those nasty things?  She's someone's daughter, sister, friend.  She's a child of God.  We championed her for speaking up and fighting for an end to cyber-bullying, which we all agreed must stop!

Glad we're all in agreement so far.  Keep reading...

I've seen a picture of a young man on Facebook several times and the caption on the photo says "Describe him in one word."  After seeing that people I know commented on the photo I clicked the comments to see what people were saying.  Though I didn't see what the people I know said (there are almost half a million comments and close to 30,300 "likes") none of the comments I read were positive.  They ranged from "Hideous" "Loser" "Unemployed dishwasher" to "Worthless" "Ugly" and plenty more that I can't actually retype.

Child of God

How are we allowing this to happen?  Isn't this cyber bullying?  Shouldn't we be outraged?  Calling for an end to cyber-bullying?  Reminding him and those who called him names that he's a child of God?  He's someone's brother, son, friend.  Shouldn't he be treated with the same respect as the lovely cheerleader?

Jesus and the Pharisees disagreed on this point.  This argument is not new.  The Pharisees thought Jesus was out of line for surrounding himself with sinners.  For associating with the sick, needy and destitute.  They believed he should only do life with the righteous, the clean, healthy, self-sufficient, the law followers...in other words, them.  In their eyes, Jesus should only have given time to the Pharisees, as they felt they were the only ones worthy of Him.

Jesus said:

 “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17

But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Matthew 9:12

Man, I'm sure glad that Jesus came to save everyone.  Not just the social elite of the day.  Not just the cheerleaders, but everyone.

The Bible says our bodies are a temple.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, ²⁰ for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

This young man has chosen to adorn his body in this way.  We might not agree, but then again, he might not think getting plastic surgery is a suitable way to adorn our bodies.  Or what about the extra 20-30 pounds that adorn lots of bodies?  Is that honoring God?  This young man might not think so.  But is he posting photos of overweight people asking for comments on what you think of them?  No.  He isn't.

Judge not, that you be not judged. Matthew 7:1

God holds the position of Judge.  You do not, neither do I, nor does anyone else on this earth.  We will all be held accountable for each action and word while we were alive.  In the meantime, we are called to love.  To serve others, to shine God's light into this dark world.

I challenge you to comment "Child of God" if you see this man's photo.  Then send a private message to the FB page hosting the photo and ask them to take it down...cyber-bullying must stop.  And not just for cheerleaders.  Everyone gets behind the cheerleader, who will stand up for this man? Send the message that Christians love others-no matter what they look like or how they choose to live.  We are commanded to love, not judge.

His law is LOVE and His gospel is PEACE.

You don't have to agree with how someone chooses to live or what they choose to do with their body, but you are called to love them.  You don't have to find them beautiful but by rejecting this man for how he looks is not much different than the Pharisees telling Jesus he shouldn't dine with tax collectors and sinners.  And remember, we're all sinners.  And all sin is equal in the eyes of the Lord.


²⁸ And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?”²⁹ Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” ³² And the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. ³³ And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one's neighbor as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” ³⁴ And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And after that no one dared to ask him any more questions.

Mark 12:28-34

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. ³⁴ Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and yougave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ ³⁷ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? ³⁸ And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?³⁹ And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer them,‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ ⁴⁴ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ ⁴⁵ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ ⁴⁶ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”  Matthew 25:31-46

PSA

I know this public service announcement won't change anything since the target audience for this post is males, specifically those on online dating sites.  And lets face it, the people who read my blog are my family and girlfriends...but, I feel it needs to be said anyway...

Guys,

This is the deal...you are horrible at picking photos of yourself.  Please consult your mother, a sister, coworker, cousin, or one of the many female "friends from high school" shown in your albums.

Strictly forbidden are:

Bill Cosby Sweaters: unless you add a caption stating you won the Ugly Sweater Contest with said sweater,  I'm going to think you like this sweater, think it looks nice on you and will wear it when you're in public with me, which I am not looking forward to.

Cats: unless it's a mountain lion you wrestled to the ground to prevent from eating a small child, or a lion you saw on your missions trip to africa, I don't want to see any cats wandering around your photos, ESPECIALLY when you're wearing the cat...I don't think a cat draped over a man's shoulders is attractive and makes me question the phrase "old cat LADY"

Cleavage: of any kind, especially of the excessive variety.  Even though you captioned the photo with "friend from high school" so I know it's not an ex I still don't want to see down her shirt.  It's not classy.

Celebrities: in the flesh, cardboard cutouts or photoshopped in.  I don't want to see celebrities in your pics.  Seriously, it doesn't impress me.  Have I mentioned that trying to impress me is the biggest turn off?  When a man tries to impress a lady it comes off as just that-trying.  If you are a classy guy (which I'm sure you are) then just be the person you are and that will impress me...or, it won't, but at least you will have been true to yourself.

Unidentified Children: Who is this precious child that is in your pic?  If you don't caption the photo with: niece/nephew,cousin, little bro/sis or something like that I'm going to assume it's either your kid or you grabbed a strangers kid for the photo to make it appear that you are good with children.

Multiple Large Group Shots: You're popular, I get it.  You have a lot of really great friends and you do so many fun things together.  However...sometimes, I can't tell which one you are if you haven't clearly captioned it, and also, I usually can't really get a good look at you because group shots make each person a super tiny part of the pic.  And finally...your best friend...he's pretty cute, since I don't think it's going to work out for us, can you introduce me to him?

Moving on...some issues we have with filling out the profile questions:

Your stats say your don't have kids at home.  To a woman that means you don't have any children.  Anywhere.  To a man, that means you don't have a kid standing right in front of you at this very moment.  So, I'm confused when a man says he doesn't have kids at home yet is thankful for his children.  That means kids live with the mom?  Now I'm more interested in knowing why you are so thankful for your kids yet they don't spend time in your home or they aren't important enough for you to put a "yes" on the have kids at home line, than I am in reading the rest of your profile.

When you answer the question "What's the last book you enjoyed and why?" with "I don't really read." You've got to know I applaud your honesty (even though I'm already reaching for the "close match" button) but at minimum could we list the Bible, since it's one of the things you just told me you can't live without?

"One thing your passionate about" does not equal "any interest I've ever had, ever, in my life" it means ONE THING you are passionate about.  Perhaps, God, Jesus, My faith, Family, relationships with loved ones, continuing to expand my knowledge, etc.  Unacceptable answers are: trucks, video games, trains, airplanes (ok, lets just say anything that is a mode of transpiration should not be the ONE thing you are passionate about) hunting, fishing, paintball, (ok, lets add all outdoor activities).  I'm not saying those are bad things, I'm just saying if you are asked to list one and only one thing you are passionate about, I think it should be something more important than paintball...really...you're more passionate about video games than your family, or God?  Hmmm...

A few positive things I've seen:

When you answer the question "One person (besides parents) that has influenced your life" with something honest and vulnerable like your special needs sibling, your grandma, YoungLife leader, etc it's endearing.  When you're open share things like that it shows me that you aren't trying to be a tough-guy and realize you've needed people along the way.  When you answer it with: I've done it all on my own I think you're a jerk.  When you say Jesus, I agree but I think it's an easy out and I want to know more about your interactions with the people in your life.

Thank you for pulling something I said in my profile and asking me a question about it, it makes me feel like you actually read what I had to say and didn't just click through my photos and decided I was pretty enough to communicate with.

I'm a sucker for any guy who posts a photo with his mom.  Shows me you love and value her.  And if you don't treat your mom right, I know you aren't going to treat me right.

If you're liking what you're reading, get on it, man!  I'm on this dating site because I WANT to meet someone, so kudos to the men who initiate communication and keep the process moving at a comfortable pace.  I get more excited about you when you're pursuing me, and I'm more likely to agree to a date if you've not dilly dallied around.

The truth is, I know there are some GREAT men on these sites.  It's just frustrating looking at each piece of hay in the stack to find the needle.  But I know that God is in control and who knows, the man he has for me might be a cat loving, x-box playing, ugly sweater wearing, slowpoke.  But lets be praying against that :)