I Need A Miracle

Third Day's new song, I Need A Miracle could be the story of my life.  Every time I hear it I'm thrown back to my "pre-Jesus" days.

I lost my father when I was 22.

When I was 24 I started dating a guy and four months later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant.  What?!  I was on birth control, how did this happen?  I guess someone has to be the 1% right?  Well, this time it was me.

We went to the doctor and heard the heartbeat.  It started setting in...I was really going to be a mom.  The guy I was dating was amazing, and he was as excited as I was.

Then, at the 12 week check-up, there was no heartbeat.  Miscarriage.  What!?  How could this be?  I was in shock.  How could this happen? My body was holding onto the fetus even though it was no longer alive so I went in for a D&C which was the worst experience of my life.

I will never, as long as I live, forget the feeling of complete despair that set in as I started to come-to in the recovery room.  I was so distraught, they broke hospital rules and allowed my boyfriend to come in and calm me down because the nurses were unable to.

For the next few months I cried.  All the time.  I sat and cried.  My boyfriend didn't know what to do with me.  He would drive me to a different point on beautiful Lake Coeur d'Alene each evening and sit next to me as I sobbed.

I remember being mad.  I'd never experienced such anger.  And it wasn't focused anger, I would yell that the trees were ugly and stupid and I HATED them.  And how was I supposed to go to work tomorrow if I didn't have nail polish remover to remove the chipping polish?  Why didn't anyone understand that I couldn't explain how I felt or why I felt that way?

I was at the end of me.

I needed a miracle.

That's when I finally recognized that I couldn't do this alone.  All my life I said Christianity was just an excuse for sad people with miserable lives to feel better because "everything happens for a reason" and "He won't give you more than you can handle." Well, I didn't consider myself a sad person with a miserable life, but I needed something.  Something besides myself to make all of this pain worth it.

I needed a miracle.

It was all worth it somehow, if there was a greater purpose.

The one-two punch of losing my dad and losing my baby was just too much to deal with if it didn't mean anything.

I needed a miracle.

I told myself that if Papa were still alive, I could cope with the loss of my baby.  Or if I hadn't lost the baby, I'd be able to continue dealing with the loss of my father.

I simply couldn't carry on doing both.

I needed a miracle.

God showed up in my life.  And when people ask how I know God exists, I don't immediately point to the Bible.   I tell them instead about how I was a lost child, looking for the comfort of my father's arms which I thought I'd never feel again; after all, my earthly father was gone.  What I found instead was truly a miracle.  I found a Father who not only created me but also loves me so much more than my earthly father ever could--and I didn't know that was possible.  I found forgiveness, mercy, grace and salvation.

I found Jesus.

And that was a miracle.